They Deftly Maneuver and Muscle for Rank, Fuel Burning Fast on an Empty Tank...

If you can't handle driving on the freeway/expressway/tollway, don't. Period. And if you have absolutely no other choice, then you better not be anywhere other than the far right lane. Putz.

If you've been going the same speed for five miles, and when you see me check my rear view mirror you suddenly speed up and pull alongside of me so I can't move over in front of you... I hope you get anally raped by a pine tree.

If you're behind me and you can see that right in front of me is a large truck or other vehicle not travelling the speed limit, and there is not yet an opportunity to pass this vehicle for either of us...when that opportunity does arise, if you immediately move over and speed up so I can't move over myself, I hope your tire explodes sending you careening in front of the big truck so you shit yourself and you cry. Same thing if we're coming off an on-ramp and you decide to sneak over early and block me from getting on myself, goat blower.

If you need to use an exit, and you see a line of cars in the lane leading to said exit, and you stay in another lane in order to hopefully join the lane you need to be in at the last possible moment, exploiting a just-big-enough gap left by someone who hesitated just a moment in keeping up... you are a douche. You have just become the reason for the backup you found not worth the extra 30-60 seconds it might have cost you, and made it that much longer for the people who went where they were supposed to -only to watch douche after douche like you continue to keep the line from moving.
Along these lines, if you see signs or big flashing arrows ahead of you letting you know that you need to get into another lane, as the one you're in will be shortly unavailable, and seeing the line of cars who have heeded that warning, you continue along until the last possible moment before merging into that lane, you are also a douche. If, in this situation, you also swerve around the vehicle taking it upon itself to stay in your lane and keep you from being a douche (the unsung heroes of rush hour), you are a fucking douche, and deserve to be laughed at when someone shoots out your tire, sending you into a fiery collision with the median or oncoming traffic.

If you are approaching an intersection, and you have a green light, but the next light ahead is red and traffic is backed up all the way to your light, leaving you nowhere to go but to park in the middle of the intersection, and you choose to do so instead of remaining at the line until you can actually go somewhere... and then your light turns red and you're now blocking traffic perpendicular to you... you're a dumbass douche who deserves to be T-boned. An aside: if you are guilty of this, and upon commencement of horns from the drivers you've now pissed off completely you throw up your hands and give a look like "what am I supposed to do?" you deserve to be T-boned from both sides at once, because yes, everyone, including yourself, saw this coming and you still proceeded to screw things up for everyone else.
Along these lines, if you are making a left turn, and there are two or three cars ahead of you- yet to make their turn- and the light is yellow, meaning by the time you're even close to being able to start to make your turn the light will be red, and you still make the turn... you're a huge fucking douche. Make that turn and end up sitting in the middle of the intersection... you're the douche of a huge fucking douche.

See, all these things so far mean either you're not paying attention, or you're saying fuck everyone else. Either way, you have no right to be behind the wheel as you're going to cause an accident. And unfortunately, it'll end up killing somebody's grandma or a van full of children or ME... instead of just YOU, which I would be totally OK with.

If I let the car in front of you into traffic in front of me, and you ride their ass to sneak in with them instead of waiting for the car behind me to let you in, as is customary, don't be surprised if I T-bone your douche ass myself you cock smoking, holier-than-thou jizz-whore.

These situations are the reason for road rage. They are the reason for traffic jams and accidents. By doing these things, you become the very reason for your urge to do them. You are creating the situation for someone else that you are trying to avoid being in yourself. And for what? To get somewhere a minute earlier? To be "King of the Hill?" Here's a novel fucking idea, leave five minutes earlier and you won't have to rush to get anywhere. Don't be the collossal douche that causes all the situations that back up traffic, and the ten mile commute won't take 45 minutes instead of 10. Use your fucking heads, people. Here's the thing... if everybody drove the speed limit, and actually would heed the rules of the road, there wouldn't be such a thing as road rage. There wouldn't be traffic jams, or at least not so many of them, as there would also be less accidents. Traffic would move smoothly, just as the rules were put in place to ensure. This is basic, everyday common sense. You do something stupid on the road like cut somebody off, that forces the person behind you to react, and the person behind that person, and so on... until before you know it there's a major delay somewhere far away from the initial incident. And that's just a minor repercussion, the result of braking for a squirrel, or a ball rolling into the road, or even just a strong gust of wind. Nothing necessarily intentional or controllable. What causes the REAL issues are the things that people do intentionally, constantly, with no regard for anyone else, and without thinking period. 

And while I'm at it, a question. Did I miss a memo? I've been driving for over 20 years now. Up until a year or two ago, if you came to a four-way stop, and you were turning left, and the car opposite you was coming straight through... that car went first, and you made your left turn behind them. It just makes sense. It flows correctly, and it doesn't hold up traffic any more than if both vehicles were going straight through. All of a sudden it becomes standard for the person turning to go first, adding time for everyone else waiting there at the intersection. I'm guessing that it's because of all the asshole drivers I mentioned earlier being douchebags and deciding their turn was way more important than everyone else there, and with more and more people in the world, there are more and more douchebags doing it, and because it's illegal to shoot them everybody just decided "fuck it I'll do it too," thus eliminating yet another simple, highly effective norm... replacing it with shit. Great job again, America.



People suck. End of story.
Go for a drive and try to disagree.