Summer days have come and gone, and I've been remiss in making time to sit down and vent here. So many things have changed in the last few months, including my allotment of free time. I believe a quick review is in order...
I was unemployed, as the season began, with many plans to occupy my free time in a productive manner. I was set on working in the yard at my grandparents' house, doing everything I could to try and bring it back to at least a portion of its former glory. There was a special someone in my life whom I tried to see as much as I could. A little too hard, maybe. That ended as the dog days were just starting to bark. The way it did was, well, to put it bluntly, shitty. Whatever the reason, and I'm sure it was valid and deserved, it could have been gone about very differently. It truly bothers me that at this point, given what's transpired since, and just with the passage of time, that I'm still bitter about it. What bothers me even more, is although in this instance I was leaps and bounds from the scared shitless, unconfident, self-loathing loser I've been with almost every woman previously, there was still enough residually to keep me from ever being one hundred percent comfortable with myself around her, and therefore she never truly got to know the real me. I was getting there, though, and I try not to think about what might be different about today had I just gotten there a little sooner.
Soon after, and still in a bit of a funk, I started working again. Back to the same place, same job, same old same old. There went yardwork plans. There went most all of my plans. Vacation was over. No more closing the bar during the week. No more sleeping in. Leisurely drives wherever I felt like going became hellish commutes that stripped away whatever faith I had left in the decency of people in general (another blog for another day). I had to go through three weeks of training. For a job I had barely been gone from, and having nothing to do with what I would be doing. Any free time I had or planned on having just dissolved into thin air. In bed by 9:00 every night.
Good times.
Then I met someone. The commute became a little easier. Getting through the day wasn't so hard. I was comfortable around her immediately. I was able to be myself around her immediately. It was like something out of a movie. It was easy. It was right. It was like it was just supposed to be. Scary? Yes. Fast? Yes. Wrong? Not a chance in Hell. I haven't been that certain about something in a long, long time. But it turns out maybe I shouldn't have been. Maybe I read it all wrong. Maybe I didn't. At this point it's all kind of in a state of suspended animation. And I don't particularly care for it. Not knowing is bringing back some of the fears and lack of confidence, little by little, possibly determining a much different fate than was originally thought to be definitely in store. I guess time will tell, though. I'm not writing it off just yet. That certainty in my gut is still there.
So far.
Just a little harder to see it.
Lord help me...
In any case, autumn is upon us, one of my favorite times of year. Looking forward to apple picking with the kiddos, being able to sleep without sweating my ass off, maybe a bonfire or two... Things at work are shaping up to look like maybe the third time really is the charm and I'll become a permanent fixture there. Not getting my hopes up, though. That never seems to work out for me.
In any situation.
Life is good... save for the one circumstance of unknowingness. And it's pretty good even still.
Making time now, making changes. Nowhere to go but up...
Right?
